I never want to forget how I feel about you, because right now, it feels like I can do this forever, as long as we are in this together.

Too far, you're too far away.

When we're busy with school, meeting new and old friends, time seems to pass faster, and there is comfort in sticking with a certain Skype routine. But when school is out, the depth of loneliness creep in, slowly. We get needy, and those random Skype calls and whatsapp messages become more important than ever. A few more weeks, a few more weeks, a few more weeks. Then it's all gonna be good.

"And while I didn't yet know the reason, it frightened me much more to think of him getting hurt than it did to think of someone else getting hurt. Just the idea made me shudder, and left me feelings as if a heavy stone had lodged in my chest."  Yoshimoto's the lake

"What I want is what other people take for granted: the chance to feel the night tighten around us like a noose. To ask, Did you set the alarm? To say: Remind me that we are running out of toothpaste. To have our time together not be so romantically charged but instead, just plain boring."
Jodi Picoult, the storyteller

I count December 2012 as one of the best month of last year, and thinking back about it still puts a smile on my face, every single time. That December was great, we did fun things like watch three Rockets games, go on dates, walk along sketchy parts of SF, went to the Grand Canyon, went skiing and I can go on forever. Don't get me wrong, I love spending romantic alone time with you and do fun things together. But for me the best part that month was the part where I get to practically live in with you, where I get to do mundane little things that many will take for granted. Spending that much time with you lets me see the parts of you that is so hidden from most people. It makes me notice the smallest little things: like how you get annoyed if the bathroom rug wasn't placed properly, or how you will fold your blanket with the same amount of precision every single time, or how my Santa bear is always sitting atop the mountain of pillows you have. And all these little things, they make me love you more, and every single day I wish I was back in the US, because I was so happy there.

I really can't wait for you to get back home so that I can tell you in person how much i'd missed you and how patiently I have waited just to feel the nearness of you.

Stuffs

1. Its 46 more days til G is finally back home. Nothing gets me more excited than this.

2. The past two weeks have been possibly the worst weeks of this sem, and I've realized that there's more things for me to worry/ more things that I'm worried about. Its a bad feeling because of all the negativity that surrounds and I feel upset more than half the time. Let's hope things start to get better soon.

3. Learning to love you more. Loving you is opening up more and showing you the side of me that no one else had ever seen, it is letting you see the insecurities that I've always had but somehow managed to hide it well. Loving you is letting you in, and daring to be more vulnerable because I trust that you'l keep me safe. Loving you is learning the art of compromise, is wanting the best for you, is patiently anticipating and keeping the faith.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
— C.S. Lewis

Its a strange feeling when the person I feel emotionally closest to is the farthest away.

4. Thinking about what B said about how I (used to) live my life, and how everything is so different now.